I should be at work. I thought I felt OK about going in this morning. After leaving early on Friday my anxiety almost totally dissipated and bedtime last night was calm and relaxed, no tablets, no palpitations, no worries.
At 4:57am this morning Matilda started to bark, for no reason. I don’t know if it was because I was jolted out of deep asleep, or because she carried on until Ed got up to take her for a walk but it set my heart racing. I broke out in a cold sweat and then a full panic. It’s passed for now, but the residue stays there for hours.
I am angry with myself. It was such an inane trigger but every fear I have ever had has re-emerged with absolute vengeance and its completely paralyzed me. After a 4 year unblemished sickness record today I physically I couldn’t make myself get in the car and go to work. Even when I was going through a massive period of change in my life a few years ago I still made it in to work every day. I honestly have no idea if this will subside in the next 4 weeks or not. I have no idea if I will actually go back to my office before my contract comes to an end.
I am surprised at my reaction. I am surprised at my vulnerability. I am surprised at how strongly my entire being has resisted going in to work. It has managed to override every moral sense I have to complete something I have been asked to do. Or perhaps it is because I have high morals and I feel so aggrieved that I just can’t justify the mental sacrifices I would have to make to manage the last month.
I don’t know. But, it is what it is.